I have the pleasure of being a part of daily conversations on developing leaders. What I hear are stories of individuals who aren’t growing as leaders.
I hear from companies that would like to be culturally diverse and ready for change, but when you hear from the employees, it’s clear that this is not the case. I hear from executives about the challenges they face when they take on leadership roles. After 15 months, these leaders aren’t hitting goals and don’t know how to create influence, or they listened to every demand and took on too much. We know that many executives want more leadership training. Yet, only a handful say their companies offer adequate training.
How can we better support our leaders with the tools they need to be great? How can we ask those who are not deeply committed to personal transformation to handle the task of complex and deep organizational transformation?
Managing Internal Change First
Recently, I was approached to help a manager who has a reputation for being inappropriate. Although numerous people on the team mentioned that they know he’s good person, he often makes remarks that make women on his team and his clients feel uncomfortable. It’s just a matter of time until he says the wrong thing to the wrong person (it should be noted that this man is at the top of the company and in a highly visible role, and he doesn’t see his behavior as an issue.)
There are a few ways I could approach working with him. I might create an argument for managing his reputation — give examples of inappropriate behavior and show the ramifications of such actions. We could role play responses and new approaches. He could understand in a very logical way why changing how he behaves is in his best interest for his long-term success.
But this misses a key point in creating lasting behavioral change. He needs to know why he’s acting like this. Does he disrespect women because his mother didn’t respect his father? Or because his father didn’t respect his mother? There’s a story here that’s being played out in the professional landscape. Maybe his high-school sweetheart left him for someone else and he resents women in general, trying to objectify them as a means to mend what happened to him. Because he hasn’t faced this, he becomes maimed as a leader who unwittingly hurts others.
Unpacking Greatness
Many men are taught to push pain trauma, and regret down and not feel it. This is where anger, ineffective communication skills and inappropriate behavior come from.
As Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
When I hear, “This is just who I am. People I work with have to accept it,” this is a point of defective reasoning. The person is basically deflecting responsibility and personal growth. The ramifications of accepting inadequacy at an organizational and individual level make for poor performance, set the wrong tone for the culture and can no longer be accepted.
Great leaders know how to support the growth of others, but first, they have done the inner work. We must look at what stands in the way of success, investigate it and solve the problem.
Beyond self-sabotaging behavior, many leaders I work with lock themselves out of their potential by putting up walls and shutting down emotions. I often hear things like, “Rather than let myself feel really good, I retreat.”
How much of this is learned behavior? Suppressing emotions could increase the risk of heart disease and certain forms of cancer. Are we teaching our leaders to lock themselves out of a key component of their health and their potential?
Your Potential Is Hiding In The Shadow
Jung named the shadow side of the personality the dark night of the soul. Think of this as what you fear most, your trauma story or innate weakness. When we try to pretend we don’t have this, like kryptonite, our weakness comes back to haunt us every time we try to get to the next level.
It could be as sneaky as your signature brisk response, causing everyone to believe you’re cold and unapproachable. This behavioral tick could steer your career far off course, and you’d likely have no idea why.
The Solution Is Not Far From The Problem
Each person carries their own trauma story. To reach your full potential, it must be unpacked with care and precision. It takes courage to face, understand, forgive and ultimately write a new story.
Authentic leaders put others at ease and possess emotional maturity, which allows their ideas to be respected without needing to use power or force to communicate. To master this type of influence, I invite my clients to embark on a path of self-reflection by organizing their inner landscape. You can start by taking stock of where you need to grow. Ask those you trust if you don’t see a clear path forward. You really want to understand your strengths, weaknesses and blind spots so you can ready yourself with a plan.
When challenges arise, this is your opportunity. Your goal is to slow down your reaction and make a better choice. With a strong intention and a commitment to change, you’ll find the grit to persevere, and what was once challenging, with time, will become a new norm.
Those who succeed at creating lasting behavioral change take time to reflect. Imagine yourself at the end with the goal realized, seeing yourself in service to others, transforming their lives. Most importantly, take time to celebrate those small wins — the moments you adapted.
I’d love to hear your ideas on how to support the inner growth of your leaders!
(Previously published on Forbes, Coaches Council)
